• ariteir

The Pros and Cons of Marrying an X-man

Okay so this is yet another post that is not strictly Kurtty but is once again too funny not to share. So here we go the Pros and Cons of marrying an X-man not written by me and X-men circa 1997-1999.  Pray the cut works and follow it if it does.



 

<lj-cut text="Read more"> Con: (in general) If you marry an X-character, somewhere, sooner or later, you'll end up related to a Summers.


ANGEL
Pro:
Gives new meaning to the "Mile High Club"
Con: His former boss can be a real pain-in-the-ass...


APOCALYPSE:
Pro:
Has houses all over the world, no lack of vacation destinations.
Con: Genetically enhanced flunkeys always coming over and trash the place.


AVALANCHE:
Pro:
The earth actually _does_ move.
Con: So does the roof. Generally straight down.


BEAST:
Pro:
You'll have long, interesting discussions...
Con: ...but you'll need a thesaurus to understand them


BEEF: (And Thunderbird, for that matter...)
Pro: Big, strong, bohunk protector-type, with lots of mass to keep one warm.
Con: If he rolls over in his sleep, you're history.


BEVATRON:
Pro:
Free shock therapy.
Con: Hope you've got a lot of extra fuses in the house...


CABLE:
Pro:
Big, manly man with Eastwood-like features, ALONG with the access to a utopian Applecrust future, and the whole savior of mutant- and human-kind thing.
Con: That whole savior of human/mutant kind thing comes with a lifelong obsession against a genentically superior being that can't seem to simply die, and the whole confusion when Stryfe comes over for dinner.


CANDRA:
Pro:
I'm drawing a blank here... uh, she's a blonde...
Con: You have to ask?


RORY CAMPBELL:
Pro:
So delish even Pheonix likes'em.
Con: Destined to become the most evil man on earth, but hey!


CANNONBALL:
Pro:
Never gets old-looking.
Con: Likes trashy girls--Is probably contagious.


CATSEYE:
Pro:
Sweet, affectionate, loyal, not to mention cuddly.
Pro: Catnip is easily available to distract rivals.
Con: One word: Hairballs.


COLOSSUS:
Pro:
Handy place to keep fridge magnets.
Con: Tends to punch people in back at random.
Pro: Poster-boy for the X-Men, love that accent.
Con: Short temper, obsessed with some other Jewish girl, overly concerned over his little sister, hard steel just may be a #LITTLE# hard to manage...


CYCLOPS:
Pro:
Chopping firewood is no problem
Con: You may suddenly find yourself getting eleven new in-laws. Don't forget that he may leave you at anytime if Jean came back - due to the fact Jean would have to die or leave him first to marry him - why anyone would marry a stick-in-the mud is beyond me
Pro: Competent leader and icon of how-to-be-a-good-mutant.
Con: Pompous and self-absorbed leader and constant nag of how-to-be-a-good-mutant. And speaking of in-laws (the Cable/Stryfe confusion thing again)...


CYPHER:
Pro:
A cunning linguist.
Con: Tends to be a bit fragile compared to the others and dies if you're not careful.


EMPATH:
Pro:
Always knows your mood . . .
Con: . . . because he told you what it was.


CORDELIA FROST:
Pro:
You can have all the fun of Disneyland without ever going in there.
Con: Her best friend has a tendency to eat your furniture.


GAMBIT:
Pro
: Umm... give me a minute here...
Con: Spouses tend to die. Repeatedly.
Pro: Nothing.
Con: Everything. --Sorry; I apologize in advance, rather than get my ass soundly kicked... 8( --
Pro: Betcha this guy can get you to where it's AT during Mardi Gras, not to mention he doesn't NEED to head south for illegal fireworks for the 4th of July
Con: Well... he's Gambit!


JEAN GREY:
Pro:
Telekinesis has so many useful domestic applications.
Con: Waking up every so often to find her dead, then three weeks later discovering that no, it was actually the clone of her future self from an alternate timeline, possessed by a cosmic entity, and that you were never married at all.


HAVOK:
Pro:
Stuck jar lids are never a problem.
Con: Every other week he gets mind-controlled by someone new.


ICEMAN:
Pro:
Broken refrigerators won't be a problem
Pro: Bobby the Ice boy has a potential career in specialty film.
Pro: 9-1/2 Weeks. 'Nuff said.
Con: The bit-of-ice-in-the-bed-joke gets old real quick
Con: Often seems a little...frigid. *THWAP*


JETSTREAM:
Pro:
Saves thousands on airfares so long as you can dress warm
Con: Those cybernetic parts get COLD at night...
Con: Married name changes without warning.


JUBILEE :
Pro:
Makes for exciting conversation...
Con: But won't shut up, and "uncle" likes to play with sharp objects (SCHLIKT).


KARMA:
Pro:
Never complains about your other women...
Con: ...because she's always off looking for her siblings.


LONGSHOT:
Pro:
Imagine the kick-ass trips you could take to Atlantic City should he visit Earth. Just tell him the money will be used for a VERY good cause.
Con: Well, if he finds out that the cause is your wardrobe he'll start losing.


M:
Pro:
Twins.
Con: ...who are really six years old.
Pro: No need to worry about money or general questions ("Just ask Monet.").
Con: She adds a new dimension to both Multiple Personality Disorder and "dysfunctional family"...


MADROX:
Con:
Stuck jar lids *always* a problem...
Pro: Think a few minutes. I'm sure the...implications of his power will come easily to those of a certain bent.... ;)


MAGGOTT:
Pro:
Never need to take out the trash.
Con: Eeny and Meany leave slime trails all over the place.


MAGIK:
Pro:
No need to use a car or plane when you travel.
Con: If she isn't dead, you'll have problems with some of her acquaintances ("Honey, the demon just ate our next door neighbor and is sacrificing his daughter.").
Pro: A trip to the corner store was never so easy.
Con: Dangerous when angry, followed around by overprotective demons.
Pro: She's the ruler of a realm that obeys her every wish.
Con: ...you'll probably have to, too.


MAGMA:
Pro:
Has class
Con: Also has a bit of an identity crisis at the moment. Sometimes too hot to handle.
Pro: Roman customs allow promiscuity.
Con: ...for her too.


MAGNETO:
Pro:
*ahem* Attractive personality. Repeated de-agings keep him with a youthful appearance.
Con: Political activism can be a real bitch.


MARROW:
Pro:
No worries getting rid of pesky door-to-door-sentinels, I mean salesmen.
Con: Need sutures after night in bed.


MEGGAN:
Pro:
Two words -- empathic metamorph. Will be anything you want...
Con: FOUR BIG WORDS -- a big guy named Brian.


MIRAGE:
Pro:
Likes riding.
Con: 'Not my type.' (X-Force #71)


MOIRA:
Pro:
No need to worry about medical bills
Con: Makes the worst coffee on the northern hemisphere


MOONSTAR (also: MIRAGE):
Pro:
You get someone who actually enjoys roughing it.
Con: Her idea of company can be dangerous to your health ("Uh, Reinfire? Is that my hand you just tore off?").


NIGHTCRAWLER:
Pro:
Tail a help in doing dishes
Con: Hair clogs the shower drain
Pro: Teleportation, wall-crawling, acrobatics, has its romantic possibilities -- plus, he's a romantic that could cook.
Con: Self-esteem problems can lead to drastic changes: suddenly wearing swords, changing a costume, getting a bad haircut and making it worse with a goatee...


PHOENIX:
Pro:
Everything.
Con: Dead.


POLARIS:
Pro:
MRIs at home, for free.
Con: Tends to erase entire hard drives _and_ your cassette collection every time you have an argument.


PSYLOCKE:
Pro:
Come on! Look at her!
Con: That telepathy thing... "Were you looking at her?" "No, honey! Really!" ZAP! (psychic knife filleting ensues)


QUICKSILVER:
Pro:
When you ask him to run down to the store for a gallon of milk, he's back before you finish the sentence.
Con: New definition of the term "quickie."


CECILIA REYES:
Pro:
With her power on, you'll always have safe sex
Con: She whines too much
Pro: You get an expert's medical opinion free of charge.
Con: You also get serious injuries inflicted by some of the unexpected visitors (SCHLIKT, ZAP, MUNCH).


ROGUE:
Pro:
Getting to work in the morning is a breeze.
Con: Has certain issues with intimacy.


COURTNEY ROSS:
Pro:
Beautiful, intelligent, successful entrepenuer.
Con: All those doppelgangers are after her life, could get damned confusing.
Con (or maybe Pro): Dominatrix -- they don't call her the "ice queen" for nothing.


ROULETTE:
Pro:
All new meaning to the phrase "getting lucky."
Con: Get into a fight with her and you're liable to be crushed by a falling piano while walking under a ladder in front of a broken mirror just after a black cat crosses your path.


SELENE:
Pro:
She's a bit... kinky. Black leather....
Con: When she gets bored with you, she sucks out your life force.


SHADOWCAT:
Pro:
Brains, looks, and a sense of humor -- what more could someone ask for?
Con: Ex-boyfriends' rather short tempers, combined with rather powerful powers, may culminate in rather nasty implications.
Con: No substance...
Pro: Everything.
Con: Might accidentally phase you into the bed. *Will* phase you into something if angry.


SINISTER:
Pro:
Able to send clones out to do menial chores, etc.
Con: Always fighting over makeup


SIRYN:
Pro:
You can carry on the conversation even with Metallica playing in the next door neighbor's yard.
Con: Neighborhood noise ordinances may be a problem.


SONGBIRD:
Pro:
Attractive white stripe in hair.
Con: Poor tastes in makeup.


STORM:
Pro:
Never have to worry about weather when going on vacation ever again. Heck, never worry about weather again ... except...
Con: Try sneaking out of chores to play golf on a beautiful Sunday afternoon... ooops... *CRACK* you will clean the basement NOW!


SUGAR MAN:
Pro:
Always munchies around
Con: Some of those munchies you used to live next door to


SUNSPOT:
Pro:
Athletic, handsome, rico suave - plus that heat emitting is REALLY nice on those cold winter nights.
Con: Reignfire=BDSM. Then again, if you go for that kind of thing...


TAROT:
Pro:
French accent, general advantages of having a precog around.
Con: Finding out she's having an affair with the King of Wands.


THUNDERBIRD:
Pro:
No loud noises at the dinner table.
Con: Well, of course not, he's dead.


AMELIA VOGHT:
Pro:
You save on travel bills, and don't have to worry about housecleaning.
Con: Her acquaintances and personal opinions are another matter entirely ("You let the visitors slaughter the next door neighbors? But they did *nothing* to us!").


WARLOCK:
Pro:
Shapechanging. 'Nuff said.
Con: One simply _can't_ in vite the in-laws over for holidays. At least if one likes one's home planet intact. Ironically enough, this is much the same for Mystique...
Pro: Has learned all humanly possible techniques from data banks. And a few inhuman ones too.
Con: Take my advice - don't have kids with him. Not worth the effort.


WOLFSBANE:
Pro:
Better than a blanket on a cold winter's night.
Con: Shedding. Also, the Mother-In-Law from Scotland.


WOLVERINE:
Pro:
Claws come in handy in the kitchen
Con: Let's face it: get involved with Logan, you die. Fact of life.
Pro: He's the best there is at what he does.
Con: What he does isn't very nice.
Pro: Ever had trouble scratching that hard-to-reach spot on your back? Well, Logan's your man!
Con: On the other hand, the lover's "scratch-marks" may run a little too deep to one's tastes...
Pro: Hey, the guy slices, he dices, he minces - your cutting needs are at an end. Not to mention he'll not only protect you in a street brawl - he'll rock ass.
Con: You know, it would not be a good idea to ask this guy to scratch your back for you, plus the hair all over the house would be a pain.